Forgiveness
by Shandar1
Summary: Ikkaku has just learned the true nature of his best friends zanpakuto, will their relationship ever recover from this feeling of betrayal. From Ch.11 of The Victorious Beauty after one-shot Looking Forward


**This a scene from my store _The Victorious Beauty_, it can be found in chapter 11. It follows another one-shot called _Looking Forward_. It deals with the confrontation between Ikkaku and Yumichika when the secret of Ruri'iro Kujaku comes to light. How they cope with each other after discovering a lie between them that was decades old.**

**I do not own _Bleach_ or any of it's characters.**

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Ayasegawa Yumichika sat in front of the mirror in his room, absently combing his hair in the nightly ritual before retiring to bed. His eyes kept returning to the door, waiting to see if it would open tonight. Ikkaku had his own rooms, but usually he spent the night with Yumi in his; it was unclear if he would want to see him tonight. As each hour past, the pain in his chest grew. After what happened that afternoon, he did not know if his best friend would even want to look at him again.

They met over 150 years ago in one of the more destitute districts outside of the seireitei. The chance meeting was one of the most important events in Yumi's life, or afterlife if that was want you wanted to call it. He had survived as a pick pocket; when that didn't earn him enough money for food and shelter, he would fall back on his beauty. Of course he had tried his hardest to avoid fulfilling the sweet promises he made to his customers in the local bars that he trolled for marks. Growing up in one of the more exclusive brothels had taught him many tricks. How to get the target to drink himself into a stupor before alleviating him of his money, and what types of harmless drugs to slip into his drink to achieve the desired effects. Of course it did not always work out well, but Yumi had grown up doing whatever it took to survive. When he was nine the madame of the house had sold him to a "collector" of beautiful children, and it was from him that he learned the manners of the more noble houses. It was these social graces which had made him such a good pickpocket, when he ran away several years later. No one would suspect such behavior from a nobleman.

Ikkaku earned his living selling his sword. He would hire himself out as a bouncer, guard, or on the rare occasion a body guard; when there was no work he wouldn't turn down bullying people into giving him their money. That was how they met after all. Ikkaku accosted Yumi's mark as they made their way to the rooms the man had rented. A partnership was formed; Yumi would lead Ikkaku's victims straight to the tall man, which certainly helped increase the take. Yumi first made sure each man had enough money on him to make them worth the effort to rob, which greatly reduced the number of jobs for the maximum gains.

It had taken a number of years before their relationship progressed to something beyond friendship. Yumichika was more accepting of this change. It was Ikkaku who was rather shocked by it, but over the decades he doesn't question it anymore. They had gone through great changes together: surviving the Rukon district, entering the shinigami academy together, and rising through the ranks of the 11th squad. Yumi knew more about Ikkaku that anyone else, and it was the same the other way around. They knew each others dreams and secrets...that is, all but one secret.

Zaraki Taichou is a warrior, and he insisted all his men were fighters as well. The one thing he despised above all else was weakness, and the second thing was using kido. He jeeringly called any one using it wimps and cheaters. Ikkaku seconded all of Kenpachi's policies, even though he knew kido uses who were anything but weak. It was why Yumichika never told him that his zanpakuto was actually kido based, which was one of the major sins in the 11th squad. Yumi was so surprised when he discovered Ruri'iro Kujaku's true nature, that he wanted to confide in him; but when he heard his friends take on kido based weapons he became afraid to tell him. He feared that it would get him kicked out of his beloved squad, as well as it in dangering the bond between the two friends. So Yumi never confided in him and refused to use his zan's ability, going so far as to give it a nickname the sword hated, Fuji Kujaku. The nickname allowed him to only partially release his shikai, making it a weapon with four curved blades; but it's kido abilities are hidden from view.

Earlier today, an amazing thing happened. Zaraki Taichou, after all these years, authorized the use of kido in battle. He stated that as long as it did not replace a shinigami's ability to fight, it was simply another weapon. It astounded all the members gathered together in the training grounds, because it was so unexpected. When they cautiously returned to their sparing partners, the whole dynamics of the group subtly shifted in a new direction. Some of the lesser skilled members did a better job, and others of greater skill were not quite as good. They did not have the practice fighting kido users that other squads had. When a scared young man approached and asked about if they could use their zans that were kido based, Yumi had held his breath. Slowly, others came forward and admitted that they too had zanpakutos that had kido capabilities. He hadn't wanted to reveal his secret, but felt compelled to support his fellow squad members and came forward as well. Zaraki accepted them, but what worried Yumi was Ikkaku's reaction. He had kept this secret from the one man that meant the most to his whole existence. After practice, everyone went to attend to their duties; so neither man had spoken to each other since.

The door to his room slowly opened, dragging his gaze to tall man who entered. Their eyes met in the mirror that Yumi sat in front of, neither spoke. Ikkaku entered the rest of the way, gently closing the door behind him. As he approached his friend, he tried to read the expression in his face. But so like Yumi, the only emotion he saw was cool arrogance. He had thought long and hard about what he was going to say; this from a man who tried not to think too much, one who preferred action to conversation.

Ikkaku nervously cleared his throat, "I don't hate you for not telling me. I'm hurt that you didn't trust me enough to tell me about Fuji Kujaku, but I have to admit that Zaraki and I didn't make it easy for you to trust us." With a rueful half smile, he stopped walking when he came up to stand behind Yumi. "With all the shit we've both been spouting for years...I'm surprised you don't hate us."

Their eyes remained locked onto each other in the reflection of the mirror. Yumichika felt his heart shudder with guilt. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I knew I should have, but...I couldn't afford to loose you."

Ikkaku looked down at the top of his friends head. He understood him because he too would do anything to keep him in his life. They were a team, a partner in everything. "Even when we fight or disagree with each other, we understand what is important and don't let it get between us. I know I've said some crap about kido, but most of your friends use it. I remember you were pretty good yourself, in the academy, so I wish you would have trusted me to accept it in you."

Yumi turned to him, "But they are from different squads, and just using kido is different from having a kido based zanpakuto. A zanpakuto is a reflection of it's wielder's soul. At first I was I happy about learning my zan's released form, but then when I realized what it means...I was devastated. I never felt so dirty and ugly before, even back in the Rukon District before I met you."

Ikkaku knew about Yumi's past, how he grew up; but it never seemed to bother the man before. Everyone who grew up in their old neighborhood had gone through similar events, it was simple called survival and accepted as the norm. He sat on the mat behind his lover, wrapping an arm around the slim waist; pulling him backward to rest against his chest. Laying his chin on Yumi's shoulder, he looked at his friend's image in the glass. "To me you are more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside, given that you are the reigning beauty of the whole seireitei...I think that is really saying something about you."

Most people saw Yumichika's obsession with beauty was that of a narcissist, that he loved himself more than anyone else in his world; a few others saw it as trying to cover low esteem. Only Ikkaku knew the truth, though he hadn't realized how deeply ingrained it was...self loathing. While most Rukon, like Abari and himself, had to put up with molestation and beatings...Yumi was cursed with beauty. Sold to a noble pederast at a young age, he was given good food, clothes, and shelter; but he did not have the freedom of most kids. He lived day and night, for years, with that disgusting old man. Yumi had even tried to mar his face with a perfume bottle he had broken for just that purpose, only to have it healed by a healer who did not leave any scars. The monster did not want any marks on his prize's fair skin. The question was how did he even get into the soul society in the first place, instead of being sent to hell like he deserved. Years later, when Yumi risked his life to run away, he again found himself having to rely on that beauty to survive; he hated himself for that.

Ikkaku had his own self image problems, but for him it was intelligence...or lack of it. He had never been a smart or clever child, and he had no real looks to speak of. For him it was all physical...he concentrated on strengthening his body and learning to fight; if he couldn't be smart...he wanted to be strong enough to beat up anyone who tried to put him down. He had accepted long ago that he was dumb and homely, but whenever Yumi looked at him...he didn't feel ugly. That such a beautiful, smart person wanted him was a constant wonder for him for years. As long as Yumi was with him he had his intelligence. He had helped him except things the way they were, and he had thought he had done the same for Yumi; but apparently his unthinking comments about kido only pushed his insecurities deeper.

Yumi closed his eyes to the hurt that shown in Ikkaku's, which only make the bald man feel worse. "I try to be so beautiful for you, but inside I'm hideous and weak."

Turning his lover toward him, he gently lifted Yumi's chin with gentle fingers. Yumi's eyelids fluttered open. "Look at me! See how I am looking at you. You are not hideous or weak; in my eyes you will always be beautiful, smart, and strong. You hide yourself from everybody else, but not from me. Never from me. I don't care about anything anybody else thinks or says, only what I feel. We have been together for a long time, and I hope forever. Nothing can separate me from you. If you want to leave the seireitei...fine, lets go; but I want to be with you where ever you are. I'm stupid...I know I am. And I'm probably going to say wrong and mean things again before thinking, but I will never think that you are anything but the wonderful person I know you are." Ikkaku gently kissed Yumi's lips. "Whatever happened in the past was to survive; all of us brats went through it, but you had it a whole lot worse than me. I don't think I could be strong enough to have survived what you did. All I had to do was beat people up...no thinking evolved, but you had to endure in silence. I will never let anyone separate us...not the Taichou or anyone else."

Yumichika chuckles sadly. "If you say I'm beautiful, then I guess I must be. Thank you for not hating me for not telling you about Ruri'iro Kujaku, but I just feared that you wouldn't want me anymore."

Ikkaku knew that it was going to take some time before his lover realized on his own just what a special person he really was. He hoped he wouldn't say anything to make things worse. He only knew that he couldn't survive without this man, his own self ego was tied to how Yumi thought he was, too; so he knew the battle that faced them. And this was a fight that all his battle prowess wouldn't do any good, showing just how weak his own self truly was. Then his head quirked to the side. "Ruri'iro Kujaku? I thought he was Fuji Kujaku."

Yumichika gave a weak smile. "That is just a nickname, which he hates with a passion. He doesn't like you or Kenpachi very much; he blames you for hiding his splendor."

Ikkaku had a very rare flash of insight. Ruri'iro Kujaku was a reflection of Yumi's soul, so it was Yumi that felt betrayed by himself. For someone who was emotionally pulled between his hatred of his own inner beauty and his wish to be beautiful on the outside for the person he loved, he felt betrayed by his zan. The inner beauty that he thought was so ugly, wanted to shine in the open in front of everyone. He realized that it would take a long time to heal the emotional scars his lover quietly carried.

"Well tomorrow we can go to the old vacant training ground and you can show me how beautiful you and your zan truly are. Let's get some rest...it has been an exhausting day." Yumi nodded at Ikkaku's statement and together they walked to the sleeping quarters, their hands never leaving the others. The two held each other late into the night.

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**When I started this story, I had no intention of making Yumichika such a tragic figure; or that both of the most confident men in the seireitei having such insecurities. But I have to say...I'm happy with it. I hope neither are too OOC, but how they talk to each other in private could be very different than how they talk in public. It only goes to show how much more they have to hide. Please R&R, it helps with the ideals and errors. Thanks for reading.**

**For those looking for smut...sorry. Like reading it, but writing it...not so much. I prefer to leave some things to the imagination.**


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